#and with the insane writer's block and general exhaustion i've been having recently

[theunicornastronaut]

yes, i am writing again. a miracle!

draft 2 is done. still need to do some more plotting for other chapters and i lowkey want a rough draft of the entire story before i post anything but i think this is a good foundation.

oh, and

something i'm calling 'notebook adventures' of smaller ideas or prompts. this is one of them, name tbd.

all wenclair, i still love these bitches with all my heart, even in the midst of content drought and patiently waiting for the next season. i have started watching dungeon meshi and then proceeded to binge the entire manga, and farcille now also has me in a chokehold. apologies in advance for any art spam.

[pingnova]

I've realized after years of pushing doctors and the system to get disability benefits so im no longer homeless and etc that so much of my "writers block" is my unmanaged disability. writing by hand AND typing on a full keyboard or my thumbs are exhausting - and painful. even dictation is exhausting - my jaw isn't aligned correctly and it gets sore very fast, and keeping my thoughts in order is a shitshow. I am exhausted all the time, to the point where thinking takes too much effort... so writing isn't even on the table. I don't have time to write between sleeping 12 hours and then trying to get survival tasks done (frequently failing) the few hours im out of bed. as some of my psych symptoms resolve and I cope better, I uncover more psych symptoms I wasn't aware of because they were buried under the worst ones - which is to say my unmanaged adhd is insanely disabling. I couldn't start a task if I wanted to (see, writing). but back when I was so buried in anxiety and depression, I had no way of sorting out what was the anxiety and what was executive dysfunction. the anxiety is well in hand by now, but the executive dysfunction makes me wonder how I ever did anything for the 20 years I was untreated for it. my psych recently prescribed me a stimulant for that, so we will see. but they also discovered I have cancer in my neck, the slow but stubborn kind, and so my endocrine system is messed the hell up... not to mention the literal cancer. and there are holes in my stomach, diaphragm, and lungs. so I don't absorb oxygen or nutrition very well. so I've been nicer to myself, just barely. "Of course you can't write, you're so tired it would be a miracle if you could, you can't work to sustain yourself or even do hobbies you love and its not your fault. You're sick and tired." whats frustrating is that none of these diagnoses are new, it's just that as a kid my parents never ever investigated when I couldn't keep up with the other kids and instead took that as a sign of disobedience and beat me for it. this could have been managed a long time ago. it's frustrating in a new way - less with myself and more with the general stupidity of the world I guess. it does feel better to tell myself to chill out more and stop beating myself up. the big thing is I still miss writing so much. it's nice to have an explanation and work on getting better and trying to train myself out of self hatred but none of that ends up with me writing, or doing other things I like. that's still kind of a ways off. now I don't hate myself for it, I'm just painfully pining away for it.